Life as I know it

I am not even sure what to write, when i first started this blog I was going to tell my life story from the beginning to the point we are right now. But that is to hard to remember the order in which they happened. I am a thinker, a ponderer and a worrier. Right now my life consists of work, school, family and church in that order. I want my life to be different. I feel overwhelmed all the time. I know that most of America feels the same way right now. I am blessed to have a job and to be able to go to school and to have a roof over my loving family's head.
But i worry everyday how I'm going to pay the bills. I don't make enough to support 5 people. We don't go out, we don't do anything yet we still don't have money to pay the bills. Anyway this is not to be a bitch session. I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life. I really don't even know where to start. I feel like such a bad person. I know there has to be worse people out there than me but I am ashamed of the things I have done. I think the first time I stole something i was in the 1st grade. My mom had this jewelry box, in it were a bunch of necklaces and things. I found one particular necklace and a locket and I took them. Now I don't know why I took them. I think I was mad at my mom for some reason. My mom didn't seem to pay attention to me much at that time. We were poor, and had to live in a trailer park out in the mountains. This trailer only had a wood burning stove between the living room and kitchen. In the winter it was freezing. I felt like I was trailer trash didn't have any friends at all. I went to an after school program and waited for my parents to pick me up everyday. I remember one kid being nice to me. But it was just to get in my pants, and i mean that literally. He used to give me candy all the time. He was probably in middle school. One day he told me to pull my pants down and lay on the ground. He told me that if i didn't he was going to beat me up. So I did, he stuck his penis in my butt. I remember that it hurt really bad. He also told me that if i told anyone that his dad would beat him and that he would hurt me real bad. This went on for awhile i think. One day he told me that I had to do it to him, now i didn't want to but I was scared and didn't know what else to do. It hurt so bad. I felt gross and violated. One day someone caught us, they went and told the counselor. Our parents were called, when my parents came to get me it wasn't pretty. I actually didn't get beat this time but i did get yelled at and asked how i could do something like that. And told how wrong it was. I felt like it was all my fault. They never asked me what happened. I still had to go to that stupid place everyday after school and i hated it. I think that's why i stole those to items. i just threw them in the parking lot. I don't even think they ever followed up on it at all. As a parent I know that I would have handled the situation differently. I think in a lot of ways that has effected my life. It scared me sexually, and by that i mean it made me more of a sexual addict. It scared me emotionally, physically and spiritually. Some times I still like maybe it was my fault. But how can a child know any better. Well anyways I guess that's enough for now. I guess we will see if my blog even stays on here now due to the mature content. But this is the first time i have told the full story. Will write more about my life later, and hopefully i wont wait so long next time.