The Life we call our own.

Sometimes in life we feel that it is our own. In reality it’s not. Our lives are everybody else around us as well. What I mean is we all coexist. It’s funny though, some of us seem to think that life revolves around us. What we do affects others which in turn affect others, it’s a cycle really. In my life I have made a lot of mistakes, we all have. I have affected a lot of lives, some in good ways and some in bad. Some of the people that I may changed their live without them even knowing it. I have changed over the last 30 years; I have had good time and really bad times. I was a good person I was a very bad person. The key is that I have learned from everything I have done. I might not have gotten those lessons the first time but I sure got them now. I almost lost everything, and I don’t mean worldly things. The things that mean the most to me, My Family. I see things in a different light now. I may not be the most spiritual person out there but I do feel that I have learned what is important in life. Happiness does not come from big houses, nice cars and a lot of money. Happiness comes from within and from God. I am happier now than I have ever been. I do have my ups and downs, I just wish people would like people for who they are instead of what they have or what they have done. "Judge thee not lest the be judged." Remember Watch for those Spiders in your life. Keep your Web Tamed.

Life as I know it

I am not even sure what to write, when i first started this blog I was going to tell my life story from the beginning to the point we are right now. But that is to hard to remember the order in which they happened. I am a thinker, a ponderer and a worrier. Right now my life consists of work, school, family and church in that order. I want my life to be different. I feel overwhelmed all the time. I know that most of America feels the same way right now. I am blessed to have a job and to be able to go to school and to have a roof over my loving family's head.
But i worry everyday how I'm going to pay the bills. I don't make enough to support 5 people. We don't go out, we don't do anything yet we still don't have money to pay the bills. Anyway this is not to be a bitch session. I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life. I really don't even know where to start. I feel like such a bad person. I know there has to be worse people out there than me but I am ashamed of the things I have done. I think the first time I stole something i was in the 1st grade. My mom had this jewelry box, in it were a bunch of necklaces and things. I found one particular necklace and a locket and I took them. Now I don't know why I took them. I think I was mad at my mom for some reason. My mom didn't seem to pay attention to me much at that time. We were poor, and had to live in a trailer park out in the mountains. This trailer only had a wood burning stove between the living room and kitchen. In the winter it was freezing. I felt like I was trailer trash didn't have any friends at all. I went to an after school program and waited for my parents to pick me up everyday. I remember one kid being nice to me. But it was just to get in my pants, and i mean that literally. He used to give me candy all the time. He was probably in middle school. One day he told me to pull my pants down and lay on the ground. He told me that if i didn't he was going to beat me up. So I did, he stuck his penis in my butt. I remember that it hurt really bad. He also told me that if i told anyone that his dad would beat him and that he would hurt me real bad. This went on for awhile i think. One day he told me that I had to do it to him, now i didn't want to but I was scared and didn't know what else to do. It hurt so bad. I felt gross and violated. One day someone caught us, they went and told the counselor. Our parents were called, when my parents came to get me it wasn't pretty. I actually didn't get beat this time but i did get yelled at and asked how i could do something like that. And told how wrong it was. I felt like it was all my fault. They never asked me what happened. I still had to go to that stupid place everyday after school and i hated it. I think that's why i stole those to items. i just threw them in the parking lot. I don't even think they ever followed up on it at all. As a parent I know that I would have handled the situation differently. I think in a lot of ways that has effected my life. It scared me sexually, and by that i mean it made me more of a sexual addict. It scared me emotionally, physically and spiritually. Some times I still like maybe it was my fault. But how can a child know any better. Well anyways I guess that's enough for now. I guess we will see if my blog even stays on here now due to the mature content. But this is the first time i have told the full story. Will write more about my life later, and hopefully i wont wait so long next time.

Disclaimer

In this blog I will not use real names, so as not to hurt any individuals. But these are stories from my real life. I will try to be open and honest. I will try not to leave anything out.

The begining

My name is William J. Charlote. I was born to an un-wed 17 year old girl. I know of my father but don’t really know him. I was born in 1977. As far as I know or remember I was raised by my grandma, grandpa and great grandma. My mom was around but she was working to support us. I got Meningitis when I was about 2 years old, my mom found me in my room and I was blue I couldn’t breathe. I had to get a spinal tap, still have problems because of it this day. I had to learn how to walk and everything again. I wrecked my first car when I was about a year old. I was crawling around the front of my grandpa’s truck, my moms VW bug was at the end of the driveway which was on a slant. Well I accidently put the truck in neutral and started rolling down the hill. The whole time my grandpa was yelling because he was in the camper on the back of the truck, I ended up pushing my mom’s car all the way across the street leaving a big tire print in her door. I don’t know if I really remember it or if it was a dream but it did happen. So for now that is it. I ensure you my blog will get more interesting and deep. Maybe to deep. Hope you enjoy and that it will help me to become one with myself. GOOD NIGHT.